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The Spiral

It’s 5:30am, I am not a morning person, but something stirred me from my slumber,  compelled me to get up, make a cup of tea and put pen to paper. I’m two days away from 35, this birthday has been looming in the distance for some-time now, the disbelief that I’m hitting mid thirties! I remember being so excited to turn 30, I was so ready to see the end of my 20’s. Somehow it doesn’t quite feel like 5 years ago! So much has happened, yet the inner critic continues to say “what have you actually achieved?” Does that voice ever stop, does it ever give us a break?

I seem to be on a never ending journey of self growth, continuously expanding myself, diving deeper. What I have come to realize is that growth is like a spiral, the same things keep coming up but the processing seems to happen at a deeper level. I feel like I’m sinking deeper into my being, spurred on by the yoga training I have felt into the depths and vastness of my soul. However, there is a shadow to feeling so deeply, I’ve begun to tap into the emptiness of my being. Perhaps the last few years have been filled with so much emotion, grief being the main one that it has filled me up, kept me consumed and exhausted. This year my body said “stop, no more”, there is something about being forced to rest that makes you look inside on another level. The well of emotion has lessened and for the first time in a very long time or maybe the first time ever I can feel space in my heart. It is an uncomfortable feeling because it can at times feel hollow and empty. My mind does not like to feel the emptiness, so it does everything under the sun to not feel, e.g. consume vast amounts of sugar, avoid the meditation mat, distract with mindless chatter, waste time scrolling. I’ve written a lot about vulnerability in the past, and it feels like I need to write about it again, perhaps I’m deeper into the spiral than I was a year or two ago. This space in my being makes me feel very vulnerable, I am weary to delve into it but it is beckoning me. And so I go, diving into the depths of my soul, here I find absolute stillness, oneness with my being. The trivia of life seems irrelevant, the noise and the chatter seems to stop, it is quiet so quiet. This game of life is not for the fainthearted, being human is not easy, we are racked with anxiety, filled with fear, weighed down by guilt, trapped by sadness. Yet diving into the depths of my being the emotions fade into the background, I am left with only love and profound sense of peace. And maybe that’s what it’s all about, sifting through the crap to come back to wholeness, to oneness with your being. The sifting takes work and it takes courage to be vulnerable even if it is only with yourself – allowing yourself to feel, this is something we avoid because it is uncomfortable, but stopping yourself from feeling is what leads to anxiety, depression, sadness and you lose sight of the joy of being.

And so as I move into my 35th year I am giving myself permission to feel, to be uncomfortable, to dive deep into my being, remembering my essence and allowing joy to flow.

“Being a friend to yourself is no mere metaphor or purely sentimental idea. It is the basis of all relationship, because it is a fundamental recognition of the soul.” Thomas Moore

*Disclaimer: Publishing this makes me feel extremely vulnerable, in doing so I hope it will help you to recognize and remember the beautiful depths of your own soul.

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